Joke

有个孩子做错事..他的父亲要他

跪在观音神像面前..直到观音说

ok才能起身.. 过了一会儿,父亲

就看到儿子在外头玩..马上就

问他为什么出去玩?不是要等

到观音说ok才起身吗?

孩子说::''观音说ok了啊..''

父亲就问::''观音没可能说ok的..''

孩子回答说::''你看观音的手..''

父亲::....... =='''

Japan fast? Indian very very fast!

There was a Japanese who went to India for sightseeing.On the last day, he hired a cab and told the driver to drive to the Airport.

During the journey, a Honda drove past the taxi. Thereupon, the man leaned out of the window excitedly and yelled, "Honda, very fast! Made in Japan !!!.

After a while, a Toyota sped past the taxi and again the Japanese man leaned out of the window and yelled, "Toyota, very fast! Made in Japan!"

And then a Mitsubishi sped past the taxi. For the third time, the Japanese leaned out of the window and yelled, "Mitsubishi, very fast! Made in Japan!"

The driver was a little angry, but he kept quiet. And this went on for quite a number of cars.

Finally, the taxi came to the airport. The fare was 800 rupees. !!!!The Japanese exclaimed, "What??… so expensive!"

There upon, the driver yelled back, "Meter, Made in India VERY VERY FAST !!!!!

Hahaha

話說民國初年，上海百樂門舞

離開前，樂手交給她一塊錢大洋，希望有生之年再相遇時，

作為二人的信物。

三十年後，她搭機回國，出機

場時，看到一個熟悉的身影，

當年的情人在拉三輪車。

坐上車，她眼光泛淚，默默掉

淚。就這樣，三輪車直奔百樂

門舞廳，一路上兩人沒交談。

到舞廳門口時，問多少錢？車

夫回答：五毛。

她打開珍藏的一塊大洋：這給

你。車夫頓了一下，收錢回

家。

車夫回到家，看著一塊錢，百

感交集，發憤振筆，寫下這世

界名曲........

三輪車跑得快，上面坐個老太

太，要五毛給一塊，你說奇怪

不奇怪？.......

太感人了，別打我啊....!!!!!

11则冷笑话

1 蚯蚓一家这天很无聊，小蚯蚓就把自己切成两段打羽毛球去了；蚯蚓妈妈觉得这方法不错，就把自己切成四段打麻将去了；蚯蚓爸爸想了想，就把自己切成了肉末。蚯蚓妈妈哭着说："你怎么这么傻？切这么碎会死的！"蚯蚓爸爸弱弱地说："……突然想踢足球。

2 龟兔赛跑兔子很快跑到前面去了......乌龟看到一只蜗牛爬得很慢很慢对他说你上来，我背你吧.....然后......蜗牛就上来了......过了一会....乌龟又看到一只蚂蚁....对他说你也上来吧....于是蚂蚁也上来了。
蚂蚁上来以后看到上面的蜗牛对他说了句你好！你们知道蜗牛说什么吗?蜗牛说：你抓紧点，这乌龟好快.......

3 五元钱被犯罪团伙绑架了，打电话给百元钞：喂！你儿子在这里，不想我们撕票就用自己来换他！"
百元钞想了一下说：撕吧，撕了你们连块钱都没有了！

4 有一对男女正在吃晚餐，那个女生一直问那个男生：你爱不爱我？男生看了女生一眼又继续吃晚餐。女生很生气又再问了一次：你爱不爱我？男生终于说：爱！女生又问：那你要怎么证明？忽然男生从口袋里拿了三十元出来，并问女生你有没有十元？女生拿了十元给了男生......男生就把四十元放在桌上，过了一会儿.....女生很生气的问男生：你到底要不要证明你爱我啊！男生说：我己经证明了啊！四十摆在眼前！

5 有一天，一家失火了，爸爸妈妈都逃出来了，只剩下一个儿子还在里面。妈妈很紧张的在屋外大喊："儿子.....你在干吗......都失火了还不出来......"儿子回答：我在穿袜子阿....."妈妈又说，"都失火了还穿什么袜子...."过了五分钟，儿子还没出来......妈妈又紧张的喊，儿子，你到底在干什么？快出来都失火了，还待在里面....."儿子说，我在脱袜子阿........"

6 有个人到河边钓鱼，先穿了个树叶～半天没鱼上钩，他又换了块面包～一样半天没鱼上钩～没办法他只好去换蚯蚓～一样还是半天没鱼上钩～～他气<愤之下掏一张百元大炒扔入水中大骂：他*的，要吃什么！自己去买！"

7 我看不清太远的东西，病人对眼科医生说。"请跟我来，医生把病人带到外面，用手指着天上的太阳，问道，你看那是什么？" "太阳。"病人回答。那你还想看多远！

8 有一天动物们在关公庙前面闻到很臭的味道。蛇说：我这么小不会放这么臭的屁，一定是牛。牛说：我是吃草的不会放这么臭的屁.猪说：放屁的人一定会脸红。忽然关公冲了出来，把猪打飞说：说了多少次了，我脸红是天生的。

9 有个人一天碰到上帝，上帝突然大发善心打算给那人一个愿望上帝问，你有什么愿望吗？那个人想了想，听说猫都有9条命，那请您赐给我9条命吧。上帝说：好，你的愿望实现咯。一天，那个人闲来无聊，如说去死一死算了，反正有9条命嘛，就躺在铁轨上.......结果一辆火车开过去,那人还是死了，这是为什么呢？因为那列火车的车厢有10节。

10 一天，殡仪馆送来了三个人，说也奇怪，他们死后的笑容都是^_^......殡仪馆管理员很纳闷的问警察：为什么他们死后的脸竟然会是^_^呢？警察说：这.....说来话长.....你看左边那个人，他是跟她老婆在共度春宵时.....在最激情的那一刻，受不了，挂了。管理员就回答说：唉.....人在花下死，做鬼也风流。那中间那一个是怎么死的？警察：中间那一个喔，他呀，真是人间惨剧，他走在路上，忽然听见自己中了头彩，奖金亿多......他开心的哈哈大笑时，却被迎面而来的车给撞上了，结果，挂了。管理员回答说：唉，他真的是没有福气享受这荣华富贵的后半辈子。那剩下的这一个呢？警察：这一个死的就有点可怜了，他是爬上树的时候被雷给劈死的。管理员回答说：这就有点不对了，被雷劈到为什么还会笑呢....警察说：因为他爬上树后，突然一道闪电...... 他以为有人给他拍照......

11 话说数千年以前，无论是公狗还是母狗，他们小便时都是蹲着的，直到唐朝，事情才有了转变……唐太宗大家听过吧！他老人家养了一对北京狗，有一次唐太宗上华山祭天，带了这一对去祭到一半时，母狗突然内急，于是便跑到一棵树后解决，在祭天时这是非常不敬的行为，因此惹恼了玉帝，玉帝命令雷公打了一个雷，正好打在树上，树倒了，压死了母狗，公狗看了以后非常害怕……从此以后，公狗树下小便时，都会伸出一只脚，用力顶着树，以免树倒下来压到自己。

War

Without any prejudice....

George Bush was sitting in his office wondering whom to invade next when his telephone rang.

"Hello, Mr. Bush!" a heavily accented voice said, "This is Gurmukh from Phagwara, District Kapurthala, Punjab .... I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring the war on you!"

"Well, Gurmukh," Bush replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army"

"Right now," said Gurmukh, after a moment's calculation, "there is myself, my cousin Sukhdev, my next door neighbor Bhagat, and the entire kabaddi team from the gurudwara. That makes eight"

Bush paused. "I must tell you, Gurmukh that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command."

"Arrey O! Main kya.." said Gurmukh. "I'll have to ring you back!"

Sure enough, the next day, Gurmukh called again.

"Mr. Bush, it is Gurmukh, I'm calling from Phagwara STD, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be, Gurmukh" Bush asked.

"Well, we have two combines, a donkey and Amrik's tractor."

Bush sighed. "I must tell you, Gurmukh, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I've increased my army to 1-1/2 million since we last spoke."

"Oh teri...." said Gurmukh. "I'll have to get back to you."

Sure enough, Gurmukh rang again the next day.

"Mr. Bush, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne.... .. We've modified Amrik's tractor by adding a couple of shotguns, sticking on some wings and the pind's generator. Four school pass boys from Malpur have joined us as well!"

Bush was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Gurmukh, that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!"

"Tera pala hove...." said Gurmuk, "I'll have to ring you back."

Sure enough, Gurmukh called again the next day.

"Kiddan, Mr.Bush! I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war."

"I'm sorry to hear that," said Bush. "Why the sudden change of heart"

"Well," said Gurmukh, "we've all had a long chat over a couple of lassi's, and decided there's no way we can feed two million prisoners of wars!"

NOW THAT'S CALLED SINGH CONFIDENCE

笑话

道歉信

一對熱戀中的男女，相約去弔祭一位長輩，後來兩人鬧情緒，出殯那天只有男的去了殯儀館，看不到女的，越想越覺得不對，就想寫信給女的道歉。誰知女的看了信，更加火大。

你知道這男的是怎麼寫信的嗎??'親愛的，昨天原本去殯儀館，是想看你，沒想到看不到你，心中好難過...'

*****************************************************************

孝順
父 : 不要一天到晚學人家飆車,讓父母擔心,一點也不知道孝順
子 : 那有,我可是有保險的
父 : 孝順和保險有何關係,別扯開話題
子 : 當然有關係囉,因為受益人是您ㄚ, 我可是一天到晚在製造孝順您的機會呢
父 : 嗯 ....,那什麼時候要孝順我ㄚ,我已經等不及了
子 : .........(接不下去了)

*****************************************************************
意外情節

早上七點半。
媽媽：「阿金，快起床，上學要遲到了。」
阿金：「媽，我不要上學。」
媽媽：「你說這什麼話。」
阿金：「我不想上學，學校老師不喜歡我，小朋友討厭我，連警衛伯伯也不睬我。」
媽媽：「你這死囝仔，快起床啦！都四十幾歲當校長的人了 ……」

*****************************************************************

強吻

這天，有個美麗的女性在公司外當清掃婦。突然有位男性強吻了她就跑走了，女性便大叫「那個人強吻了我，快抓住他」
路人便衝過去將男性抓住說:「小姐，妳要告他甚麼？」
女性害羞的說「沒有，我只想告訴他...我每個星期一、三、五都會來打掃...」*****************************************************************

瞄準

甲婦：「如果妳的老公有外遇，妳會怎麼樣？」
乙婦：「我會睜一隻眼，閉一隻眼。」
甲婦：「喔！妳這麼大方！」
乙婦：「不，我是要用槍瞄準他。」

*****************************************************************

修理

甲婦：「我家兒子經常弄壞電器，幸好他老爸會修理。」
乙婦：「我家孩子也經常破壞東西，也幸好他爸會修理。」
甲婦：「妳先生也會修理東西？」
乙婦：「不，他會修理孩子。」

*****************************************************************

保證錯誤

一對夫婦結婚二十周年，老婆提議殺隻雞慶賀一番。
老公冷冷應道：「何必把二十年前的錯誤算在一隻雞頭上呢？」

*****************************************************************

比毒

話說我有兩位同事，一男一女，非常喜歡鬥嘴，平常沒事就互'虧' 對方。
有一天下班，那女生就請那男的順路載她一程，好不容易我男同事答應了，於是他們就去牽機車。
到了停放機車的地方，那女的看到那機車又破又爛，忍不住又'虧' 了那男的一句 :「拜託,這麼破又爛的機車還要上鎖~~~~。」
那男的瞪大眼睛看著那女的說 :「那妳幹麼上妝。」

※PART-２

一對夫妻在動物園隨著眾人圍著大狒狒。
老婆：『真奇怪，愈難看的動物愈多人看。』
老公：『噓~~ ！不要叫這麼大聲，大家都在看妳。』

※PART- 3

某日，一位小姐去買肉圓。
小姐：『老闆，我要兩個小的帶走！』
由於生意好，過了一會兒，老闆怕忙中有錯，於是在下鍋前問：『小姐，妳那兩粒是小的嗎？』
該小姐臉一紅，恨恨地回了一句：『老闆，你那兩粒才是小的！』

Personality Test

Imagine you walked into a small hut by the river in the jungle. You pushed open the door, in front of you were 7 small beds to the right of the hut, and another 7 small chairs surrounding a small round table. In the middle of the table was a round food tray with 5 kinds of fruit in it.

There are:

a. Apple b. Banana c. Strawberry d. Peach e.Orange

Which fruit will u choose?

Your choice reveals about u!

Test results : Please SCROLL DOWN








Here are the results..

a. if you chosen apple: that means you are a person who loves to eat apple

b. if you chosen banana: that means you are a person who loves to eat banana

c. if you chosen strawberry: that means you are a person who loves to eat strawberry

d. if you chosen peach: that means you are a person who loves to eat peach

e. if you chosen orange: that means you are a person who loves to eat orange

PS: If u r hunting for me to Kick me.....well...I am still hunting for the person who sent me this...!

Funny Interview

Officer : What Is Your Name ?
Candidate : M P. Sir
Officer : Tell Me Properly
Candidate : Mohan Pal Sir
Officer : Your Father's Name ?
Candidate : M P. Sir
Officer : What Does That Mean ?
Candidate : Manmohan Pal Sir
Officer : Your Native Place
Candidate : M P. Sir
Officer : Is It Madhya Pradesh ?
Candidate : No, Munnur Pal Sir
Officer : What Is Your Qualification?
Candidate : M P. Sir
Officer : (Angrily) What Is It ?
Candidate : Metric Pass
Officer : Why Do You Need A Job ?
Candidate : M P. Sir
Officer : And What Does That Mean ?
Candidate : Money Problem Sir
Officer : Describe Your Personality
Candidate : M P. Sir
Officer : Explain Yourself Clearly
Candidate : Magnanimous Personality Sir
Officer : This Discussion Is Nowhere, You May Go Now
Candidate : M P. Sir
Officer : What Is It Now
Candidate : My Performance....?
Officer : Mp !!!
Candidate : What Is That Sir..?
Officer : Mentally Puncture

有钱人的小学生作文(繁体字）

某天 ~ 黃淙暐的老師 ~在課堂上出習題 ~
作文名稱：我的家庭


　我出生在一個非常貧苦的家庭，記得小時候，爸爸的生活很無聊，整天只能數錢，媽媽也是，整天都在掃錢。

我家住在深山中，每次要出去買東西，都相當麻煩，開保時捷要 5 小時，開賓士也要4 小時；雖然家裡有直昇機，但是開到那邊很難找到停機位，相當的不方便。

我偶爾也會出去逛街，爸媽怕我被綁架，隨身有 20 多個保鑣保護著，大家看到我都嚇跑了，所以我從小就開始被排斥...... 因為家裡是在深山，每次到了冬天都非常冷，爸爸也說，出去買東西很麻煩，所以冬天沒有暖爐 ...沒有棉被 ...每天只能陪著爸媽燒錢取暖 ... 而睡覺的時候，也只能蓋著錢睡覺 (我覺得英鎊比較溫暖) 。


　記得小時候，有一次，因為房間太大，還來不及跑出房間，就尿褲子了。所以，爸爸在我房間放了一台小綿羊機車，好讓我能在 10分鐘以內，衝出 1000 坪的房間，穿越 5公里的走廊，到達 800 坪的廁所 (我常常在走廊迷路 ) 。

　爸爸又另外叫人加蓋了 20間 600坪裡面有著250 坪小廁所的破房間。爸爸說：以後如果尿濕了，直接換房間，如果房間不夠或是太小的話，再告訴爸爸，爸爸再叫人來多蓋幾間，我們的生活很辛苦，你要忍著點！！

現在想起來，爸爸真是個善良的人！！

　還記得有一次，家裡遭小偷，因為他用炸藥炸壞了我爸的保險箱，使得裡面的金幣不斷的往外滾出來，結果竟把那個小偷壓死了 ......我覺得那個小偷好可憐 ......
金幣壓死人是很痛的!! 他不像之前那個被鈔票悶死的小偷一樣幸運。

媽媽也常常告訴我，我們家生活非常困苦～要我學著吃苦～
　所以我從小養成了刻苦耐勞精神，我將來的志願，是要找 200 隻會吃錢的怪物，好把家裡的錢都吃光，為那些可憐的小偷報仇！！


嘉義市蘭潭國小六年一班黃淙暐

老師評語：去死啦！

Things said in court

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place!

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: (on a car accident) What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty.
________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh....
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice, which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh?
____________________________________________

And the best for last

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practising law.

Jokes

This is a email i received,by FunAndFunOnly.net.This is only part of it,may request if wanted to see more.

Lady: Is this my train?
Station Master: No,it belongs to the Railway Company.
Lady: Don't try to be funny. I mean to ask if I can take the train to New Delhi.
Station Master: No Madam,I afraid that it's too heavy.

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A drunkard was brought to court.
Just before the trial there was a commotion in the gallery.
The judge pounded thr gravel on his table and shouted,'Order,order!'
The drunkard immediately responded,'Thank you,Your honor,I'll have a scotch and soda.'

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Customer: Waiter,do you serve crabs?
Waiter: Please sit down sir,we serve everyone.

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Customer: Waiter,is this a lamb chop or pork chop?
Waiter: Can't you tell the difference by taste?
Customer: No,I can't.
Waiter: Then does it really matter?

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Little Susie came running into the house after school one day,shouting,
'Daddy! Daddy! I got a 100 in school today!'
'That's great,Sweetheart,'said her daddy.
'Come in to the living room and tell me about it.'
'Well,began the confession.'I got 50 in spelling,30 in maths and 20 in science.'